I have been occupying an interesting space lately.
Energetically, it’s a space with no highs, and no lows. It feels like a flat plain, a prairie or desert, an area that allows the eyes to travel straight to the horizon.
This space is expansive, and wonderful because I can cast my inner gaze in any direction, with clear line-of-sight to a desire, goal, or waypoint along my journey.
This space is empty, and terrifying because it is devoid of the frenetic and frantic energies that drove me to success for so long.
With no high, no low, there is only what feels like neutrality. Except it’s not true neutrality because I still care deeply, still love fiercely, still dream hopefully.
Still, it has been unsettling to awake every day without a rush of excitement for an upcoming project, or to feel a surge of joy when a sales order comes through to my email. I wake up happy; I love the work I have chosen to do; yet I feel no pressure of any sort at my back.
My sailing ship is moving forward with no wind in its sails. Is that even possible?
I don’t hate this calm place but it does scare and confuse me, mostly I think because I’m completely unsure how to occupy it successfully. A silly fear, of course, because in energy work there is no right or wrong as long as one is in flow for the greater good. And this radiates outward into material work - all work serves a good purpose when it is conducted for happiness and betterment of oneself and one’s fellow living entities. (I include plants and animals here, they deserve all the betterment we can give them.)
I am near the end of an eleven-day sabbatical from active business development, which I think plays a part in this calm, flat space I now occupy. An active standstill is a wonderful way to become hypersensitive to any enervating forces that stem from an ultimately fearful or negative place. Thursday marks the beginning of more development, and I am excited for it. Simultaneously I feel lethargic, sleepy, hungry, and anxious of it. Enter the over-thinking for which I am moderately famous in my inner-most circle of loved ones: Can I be excited without frenetic energy? Can I be lethargic and still care? What should I make for dinner? Do we have mushrooms? Can I make udon without mushrooms? And so it goes.
On and on these thoughts spin until I become utterly sick of myself. I try to meditate, to clear my mind, but even with the thoughts gone, the underlying fear remains.
What is this energetic space? Why do I feel so utterly unenthusiastic about everything? Is this a failure on my part?
When meditation didn’t help the anxiety, I turned to a session within the Akashic Records. I am not a practiced nor overly gifted reader of the records; I have only ever done it for myself, and I tend to fall asleep about fifteen minutes into a reading (which, thankfully, I hear is normal when you’re a newbie). But I still download helpful information until I close out the records, so I figured it would be worth a try today.
I cannot recall most of the reading, which is normal for me. It tends to be more of an absorption than a rote lesson. However, I do recall my guide, and his primary wisdom for me, which I now share with you:
A seed is not told how to be, what to be, in order to grow. A seed is encoded at its cellular level with all the knowledge it needs to grow into that which it is meant to become. So long as the seed receives the elements required for growth, it will grow into that which it already knows it must be. And so you are a seed, encoded completely with all that you need to know to grow into the highest form of yourself. It is your job only to position yourself to receive optimal nourishing elements for your growth. This is where you must turn outward; this is where external influence matters. Surround yourself with everything that makes you feel soft, warm, alive, expansive, flexible. Follow the elements as they change, for unlike a seed you have the gift of being mobile within your growing element. But doubt not the purpose behind your existence; that is encoded in the quantum space between the atoms that whirl within your matter. Question if you choose the meaning behind your purpose, if you chose it for yourself or if you are part of a greater destiny. These are fascinating questions. But doubt not, doubt never, that you have something to share with the world around you. Plant yourself and nourish yourself, grow your being upward toward the light through the work you are called to do, the beings you are called to love. Question every aspect of being alive on this planet in this universe - but never question whether or not you are here to create something of delicate and eternal value. That is your only purpose. Petal by petal it will unfold and reveal itself, with the right nourishment and support.
In true spiritual form, this lesson did not directly address my anxiety over how I have been feeling. But it did calm me to my core. I have found myself tearing up throughout the evening, feeling small and foolish for returning again and again to my anxiety, poking at it like a sore place after biting my lip. I doubt that habit will magically vanish overnight.
And yet this guidance does bring me immense relief. It is a reminder that I cannot control everything (which for a double Capricorn is a maddening truth) - but I can control so much. And the more of my environment, my thought processes, and my interaction I position to be nourishing and positive, the more my work in the world will unfold naturally and with beautiful results.
Perhaps this energetic space, devoid of fast-paced energy, is not a desert or a dry grassy plain. Perhaps it is fertile soil, an ideal space for a lush, limitless garden.