A lovely friend of mine asked me this morning, "Are you doing anything for the super blue blood moon?! Should I be doing something?" And I'm so glad she asked. It got me focused with 48 hours to spare. 😹Read More
April was one hell of a month.
There was a lot going on in the cosmos, big-picture style, and I sure did feel the effects. My family did too - between myself, husband, friends and loved ones, there were a lot of changes happening, upheaval style.
In the midst of much chaos, I found myself taking a necessary-but-unwanted sabbatical from my studio work. Even though the month previous I had been learning more, and reaching further, than I ever had before…
There resides at the heart of everything we do a core purpose. It ranges from basic to profound; it can be as simple as the elements (I’m cold, therefore I am buying a jacket), or as complex as our life’s purpose on this planet (I’m a natural organizer and creator who craves independence, therefore I’m going to start my own business).
At the start of last month, I reached an uncomfortable conclusion: I could no longer define my Core Purpose in running my own business. The desire and motivation remained intact, but when I asked myself point-blank, “Why are you doing this?” I didn’t have an answer.
That freaked me out.
First, I tried to justify my inability by claiming it was temporary lack of clarity; I tried to use more practical stand-ins to keep myself going. “Why does it matter if I know my core purpose right now? I still need to earn an income and support my family. Money is enough motivation for the time being,” I told myself repeatedly.
That sure didn’t work.
Next, I tried to rediscover my core purpose as it related to the work I’d already done. “I haven’t learned this much and come this far to start over! The sum of the parts will show me the meaning behind the whole,” I told myself rather desperately.
That didn’t work either.
Eventually, I reached that maddening point we’ve all encountered before — the harder I pushed for results, the more I slowed down. Eventually I was at a near-standstill, spending 90% of my day listlessly drifting through my domestic routine, and wondering if I should just go apply to work at Taco Bell because apparently all my gumption had fled with the candlesticks in the night and I was never cut out to run my own business in the first place.
In the midst of this lethargic, apathetic angst, I did have the presence of mind to hold space for divine intervention. Eventually it became a rather grumpy form of surrender through meditation. I had no extra money to pay for coaching or energy work services, but I knew I needed outside intervention in the form of someone who could inject a dose of clarity and fresh air into my stagnant, mopey bubble. So I asked, over and over, for that person to appear.
Enter Kathleen Saelens, an angel of divine timing and massive intuitive ability. In exchange for market research for her business, she gifted me with a Soul Essence Session, during which she took a deep dive into my energetic makeup and my reason for showing up and sharing my work with the world. It was one of the most powerful energy work sessions I’ve ever experienced, and about halfway through, she shared one symbolic image with me that felt like a lightning bolt of pure energy striking my head and zapping all the way down to my toes.
It was the symbolic key to my Core Purpose.
And, as with the revelation of all true things, it was a complete and utter “Oh my gosh how did I not see that and put it together for myself?!” moment. Hindsight is a glorious frustration.
So now, as we enter the month of May, which has its own intense but far calmer energy, I find myself faced with an entirely new challenge. Thankfully it’s not the challenge of finding a reason to roll out of bed in the morning, beyond laundry and the hope of insight… no, this time around it’s the challenge of reframing Studio Kittie to contain and broadcast this old-yet-new, shiny, bright, full of insight Core Purpose that I now understand with brilliant clarity without knowing how to word it and roll it into my existing body of work.
That’s what we both have to look forward to in the coming months. I’ll be changing, tweaking, refining, redecorating, and generally molding Studio Kittie into a new and improved version of itself. I have no idea how the final results will look, but I know they will be beautiful, because a journey of this magnitude can only lead to great things when we get over ourselves (even if it takes an entire month of video games and pajama pants) and surrender to the fact that change is the best possible path forward.
This morning I spent over an hour reviewing my 2016 Astrology Review from the amazing Chani Nicholas. I am a double Capricorn (Sun and rising) and I find it invaluable to get a sneak peek of the larger forces that will be at work in the future.
In addition to the yearly overview, Chani included guided meditations and writing exercises specific to my sign - also invaluable for getting right to the heart of the key themes and matters for the year. One of my writing exercises invited me to answer the question(s):
What do I need to NOT say in 2016? Where does my victim voice get in the way? Is there anything I want to stop saying because it is not helpful to myself?
I wrote a great deal more than I expected, on an emotional topic that's been coming up for me a lot lately. Below is everything I wrote, verbatim.
"I am not pulling my own weight."
All (well, nearly all) my worries stem from this belief. I still attribute my self-worth in many ways to the income I generate.
My fear is that my family will suffer without my income being above a certain dollar amount; my fear is that they will resent me, think of me as selfish, secretly wish I would stop doing my own thing and go get a "real job." I am terrified their love and support will transform into bitter resentment and that everything I am building will come crashing down when I must make a choice - me, or them.
And so I tell myself I'm not pulling my weight out of fear that it's true, but also so they see just how hard I'm trying and how much I don't want to fail them.
I reassure them I know I'm not living up to the standards I have decided they have set for me.
My entire world narrows to the pinprick of light that is Earning Income and I tell myself that is my only way out. That is my only salvation. That is the only way to transform from failure to success and thereby guarantee my family's love, support, faith, and assistance.
I know in my heart that this story is exactly that -- it is fiction. It is something I invented in my mind.
But it grew from a real seed of fear -- the fear of Lack. Scarcity. Not-Enough.
Logically, it follows that each day this story sounds true to my ears, it is a day I am choosing to water that seed of fear. The Lack. The Scarcity. The Not-Enough.
I want to stop reassuring everyone that I will pull my weight, because I want to stop suggesting I will fail, because I want to stop watering the seed of fear of not-enough.
I am enough, and I am growing strong.
Deciding to strike out on our own and build our own creative business is a terrifying endeavor. For every amazing, joyful, and life-affirming experience, there are pitfalls and doubts and nightmares. Very few of us are able to set off down an unexplored path with more than enough cash saved up to guarantee our survival for years to come. Most of us are braving the wilds and trusting in something larger, something far more intelligent and grand, to help guide us.
We all have responsibilities, and the fear of not living up to those responsibilities is enough to keep any intrepid creative adventurer up at night. Feeling the weight of those responsibilities is a good thing; it means we are not selfish, not wasting our time chasing a dream of smoke and mirrors. We know there is something greater, more grand to build. We know we want it with all our heart.
Sometimes it feels like being terribly honest and admitting we're in a place where we're not pulling our weight is the proper thing to do. The responsible thing. It's owning up to a truth, with a promise to try harder, and do more. And yet...
When we dwell in that honesty, and make it the core of our reality, we omit room for another truth to present itself. The truth that we are enough; we are doing enough; we are trying hard enough. Even if it doesn't feel like it, without the room to even explore the possibility of being enough, we deny ourselves the relief and relaxation of a different and more optimistic frame of mind.
Wherever you are in your journey, I invite you to join me in telling yourself You are enough, and You are growing strong. Because it's true. And you have every right to make it your Truth.
If you are also wondering what the year 2016 has in store for you energetically, I have two divination packages you will enjoy! A Talismana Tarot session is a wonderful way to intuitively explore a question or concern, especially those pertaining to material situations. And my Animal Totem Oracle readings reveal the animal spirit energy that is seeking to partner with and assist you in the weeks and months ahead. Both packages include a video recording and illustrated PDF of your session, and are also fun to do! I hope you'll take a look.